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What to do if it feels like love is out of reach for you

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There’s something strange about love outside our reach. Once you can’t touch it, it becomes very important, attractive and valuable. 

After years and years of brief affairs, of falling in love (nerve wrecking times), and being in serious relationships, something started to strike me. It’s something I wish I had known twenty years before. When love is out of reach, something strange happens: all of a sudden, it becomes very important, attractive and valuable. We want to have it, because we can’t have it. 

Jackpot 

This inconvenient mechanism works this way in all forms and shapes of love. An unanswered love can become an obsession, because you tend to project every desirable, almost superhuman quality to the unwilling person. If you’re having a brief affair with someone who’s not completely available, this person will be like a jackpot you just can’t win, no matter how much money you spend on lottery tickets. And in a serious relationship, you’re screwed even more, because if your partner doesn’t give you love and dedication on a structural basis, after a while you probably won’t even admit it – simply because it’s so clever and so painful. 

Just one more step 

In a relationship where your partner doesn’t really commit, you feel like you’re not good enough – and at the same time, it seems possible to make them happy. Your partner’s appreciation and dedication are within reach, all you have to do is take one more stap, do your best a little bit more, and then you will succeed. Just dress a little bit better, say the right things at the right time, please them a little more in bed – and they will really love you. 

However, a person can dedicate their whole life to this, I tell you -unfortunately, from my own experience- without ever succeeding. 

Scoring points 

If you find yourself completely trying to prove your worth to someone, you have lost touch with your worth. If you’re unconsciously trying to score points in order to earn love, you will never win. It’s addictive, because every time you do score a point and find some proof of their love for you, you feel powerful and strong. You will work even harder to feel it again. That’s how this other person has a hold of you. 

People show who they are, what they have to offer and which place they give you in their lives, quite quickly. We tend to forget about that, because something has replaced this knowledge: our desires and needs. Fulfillment is so close it seems achievable, all they have to do is give it to you. But there’s a chance they were never actually able to give it. We have started to see it, because we wanted to see it. Because we darn deserve it. Because they have it in them, you’re certain. 

We’re the ones who have to remove the veil in front of our own eyes, in order to see that there’s nothing to find her – nothing, except an illusion that we’ve carefully built ourselves. 

Text: Susan Smit - Photo: Sweet Ice Cream Photography