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Want to have a profound conversation with your lover? These are the 6 rules of thumb

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If you regularly take the time to ‘check in’ to your lover, you strengthen the love connection with each conversation. These 6 rules help you to have the best talks.

Communication is crucial for a healthy relationship. But even if we see our partner daily, it’s easy to forget about the importance of quality conversation. In the early days, when love is new, we talked and texted for hours. But when the relationship starts feeling homely, profound conversations are often (unintentionally) traded for talks about everyday stuff. No matter how self-evident love may feel in this phase, if we want to keep the fire burning, we need to work on it.

How well do you know each other?

According to scientific research, we get to know each other less well when years go by. It has to do with attention (or rather: lack of it). If, as partners, you don’t give enough attention or don’t project yourself into them, it’s easy to grow apart.

The magic of a good conversation

Communication on a deep level and positive attention are essential for a sustainable relationship. Partners who often ‘check in’ to one another feel more supported and comforted than others. But how do you have the kind of magical conversation that sticks with you for weeks? These rules of the game are a good starting point for an open and honest talk. 

The 6 rules of thumb

1.     Pick the right time

Of course you and your partner need to make the time to talk, but not every time is a good time. Are you exhausted after a long working week, or does your partner have an appointment later tonight? Perhaps this isn’t the best time. You have the best conversations when you’re well-rested and when you have the time.

It’s also important to pay attention to how you’re feeling. If you’re sad or tense, it’s wise to wait until the emotions are toned down.

2.     Listen patiently

As a listener, you are just as important for the course of the conversation as the one who’s talking. Try to be the listening ear that you long for yourself. Perhaps your partner has trouble phrasing what he’s thinking. Try to stay in the moment and just listen, because when you’re already trying to phrase it in your mind, few of his words will get through to you.

3.     Be flexible

Most profound conversations proceed organically. After a few sentences, a new subject pops up. Try to accept this. If you have a lot of expectations or a list of subjects, it is likely to strand. If you move with your lover’s way of thinking (and vice versa), that’s when the conversation gets special. If you switch to another topic, you can visualize planting a flag with the point where you’re taking another turn now, so you can get back to it later.

4.     Use your intuition

‘Listen with your heart’… It sounds nice, but how do you do that? The trick is to not just focus on the words, but also to perceive the energy behind it. This helps you to prevent misunderstandings. Intuitively, you’ll know soon enough what the other person means.

5.     No judgment

If you want your partner to communicate in an open and loving manner, you’ll have to receive their words in the same way. Try to empathize with their points of view and ideas. This helps you to create a ‘safe conversation bubble’, where you give eachother the space to be honest and vulnerable.

6.     Be honest

The best recipe for depth is honesty. Always speak the truth, even if it’s not what they want to hear. If you communicate with love as a starting point, you’ll always strengthen the connection – even if you guys don’t agree. 

Photo: Felix Russell - Saw